Moving through fear

I’m on a train. Unable to do much productive. I have 10 hours of transport in front of me. Time to reflect. As I’ve not been reflective enough already the last 11 weeks 🤔

Last time I posted a blog was May 9th. The day before my life took a major tumble. Fast forward and I am still trying to find my balance on both feet again.

I’ve always been closely bonded to my mum and I would still in my “adult” life talk to her every day. After having attended the funeral of my good friend’s mother, not long ago, I knew that my biggest fear in life, was to loose my own mom. That day, I promised myself to tell her every day, that I loved her. Maaan, I’m glad I did!

On May 10th, I was met by my biggest fear – like BAM, #inyourface.

My mom suffered a bad stroke, went to coma and fast(slow)-forward, here we are 11 weeks later. Status is that she is over the intensive phase (=she will survive), but the future is uncertain. We don’t really know what kind of life, she will come back to….sooo, – not for you to feel sorry for me, but to be honest – in reality, I’m still in the middle of a nightmare.

So, how are things going? Well, first of all, who invented that question? Okay, well, actually things are “going”. Not at a “woozer, life is just wonderfull and OMG, I feel so energized”-level, NOR do I manage to hold a routine that should be standart for a pro athlete – but I am moving.

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In the meanwhile, I’ve completed 4 races; I’ve won the Danish Sprint Championships, set course record at Karrebæksminde and won the half marathon at Aabenraa Bjergmarathon (Mountain Marathon to be international :p). In the end, at the European Champs I ran out of gas. Like a lot. But I was there, and I’m proud I was – it would have been so easy to just sit back home. The same goes for every training session, I’ve done. Every first step has been a war. Not because the motivation is lacking, simply just because I’ve been incredible tired and un-energized. I’m missing my mom, my best friend, my biggest supporter, my extra hand, and the wife of my dad.

At this point, I crave normality. It has made me realize how much, I actually embrace the “ordinary, boring routine”. Wake up, swing your arms, spin your legs, hop on your feet, go to bed – over again. It has also made me question (over&over&again) my priorities. Am I doing what I want to do? Am I happy where I am? If I would be gone tomorrow, is there anything I would regret not doing?

A sweet take away message from the past chaotic period, is that I actually wouldn’t do anything different – right now! Ofcourse I want more of these cute things called #lifegoals – but I’m already moving in that direction, with the ones I want, at I place I like to be. Pretty grateful, I am.

Especially if I could get my mom back. Like right now. But luckily I am surrounded with a bunch of “extra” moms…as in dad 😜, my siblings, aunts, coach, former coaches, friends, you name it. My network is surely not out of balance, and thank god for that.

So… I am literary still on this train. I am on my way on a break. A break from home. I never thought I would say that! I love home! But right now, “home reality” isn’t particularly “sweet life”. So the fact is that I’m trying to escape from reality and live in a sweet little Spanish bubble for the next week. I will be doing what I love the most; a week with focus on training and recovery. My last months have been filled with too much “amateur training” with way too little focus on recovery, and thus too little quality of the real work. I try not to get too bossy on myself for the undulating quality – I try :)

I REALLY look forward to go into a week of tri-bubble. On my way home from Spain, I will stopover in Rome for a Challenge race.

After all, I have noticed that the world is still spinning around, even when it feels like my own world has gone a bit standby.

 

Patience is not the ability to wait but how you act while you are waiting

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